


Push

by ShayneyL



Series: Lost and Won [2]
Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Episode: s04e18-19 The Killing Game, M/M, Pre-Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-07
Updated: 2017-10-07
Packaged: 2019-01-10 04:20:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,472
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12291123
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShayneyL/pseuds/ShayneyL
Summary: Tom gets Harry to tell him what happened during "The Killing Game."





	Push

**Author's Note:**

> I meant "Lost and Won" to be a standalone, but due to encouraging feedback (all right, more like threats of severe bodily harm :-) I ended up writing more. Originally posted 6 September 1999.
> 
> And for those who wonder where I get these titles, "Push" refers not to the song by Matchbox-20, but to the gambling term. A "push" is an outcome where you neither win nor lose anything. 
> 
> Spoilers for "The Killing Game." 
> 
> Characters and situations owned by Paramount/Viacom. Used without permission. No copyright infringement intended.

  


        Tom was running late. He'd had horrible nightmares, then overslept. Luckily, he wasn't missed. There was no real piloting to be done, so, like most of the crew, he'd been assigned to help Engineering make repairs. B'Elanna hardly acknowledged his arrival, telling him to go help Harry and stay out from under her feet. 

        Tom understood. He loved B'Elanna, but they weren't the most congenial coworkers. She was impatient with his limited engineering skills, and he found her implacable on-the-job persona rather wearing. They always ended up at each other's throats, unless they had Harry as a buffer. Harry Kim could work with just about anyone, even Seven at her most Borg-ish. 

        Tom grabbed a toolkit and some supplies and tracked Harry down in Jeffries Tube 4B. He was folded into a position that hurt just to look at, head stuck in an access hatch. "Morning, Harry." 

        There was no answer, which didn't surprise Tom. Harry tended to get very absorbed in his work. He also tended to talk to himself when faced with particularly vexing problems. "What the freak?" Harry was muttering. "I can't believe this. Poop!" 

        Tom smiled. Strong language, for Harry. "What's wrong, Har?" 

        Harry withdrew from the access hatch, finally noticing he had company. "Oh, hi, Tom. I thought I could re-route the phase modulators from here, but the auxiliary control systems are still down. We'll have to do it from the primaries in Tube 33R." He began throwing his tools into his kit, no doubt ready to go haring off to 33R. 

        Tom grabbed his shoulder. "Harry, slow down. Take ten. Smoke 'em if you got 'em." 

        "What?" 

        "Just an expression. Here, I brought us some coffee. Rest for a bit." 

        "I feel fine." 

        "I know, but you've got no reserves at all. You need to take it easy for a few days." 

        Harry continued to pack up his kit. "No time." 

        "A few minutes won't hurt. Come on, the Captain won't mind. Coffee breaks are sacred to her." 

        Harry smiled reluctantly. Tom held up a cup. "Vulcan mocha, extra sweet," he coaxed. 

        Harry gave in. "Oh, all right. A few minutes." He took the coffee and settled down on the floor, leaning against the wall. 

        Tom peeled off the lid of his own coffee. Not bad today. "Did you see the Doc this morning?" he asked. 

        "Yeah. I promised, didn't I?" 

        "What did he say?" 

        "Gave me a clean bill of health. Said you did a great job patching me up, to his surprise. Then he gave me a shot of iron and other nutritional supplements, and told me to either eat better in the future or kindly refrain from doing so much bleeding." 

        "Sounds like the Doctor all right," Tom said, amused. 

        Harry nodded. "It was good to see him back to his usual self." 

        Tom looked at Harry, puzzled. 

        "These past three weeks were probably harder on the Doc than anyone. He struggled constantly to keep the crew alive." 

        Yes, Tom knew that. He also knew the Doctor had failed a few times. The memorial service for the four who hadn't survived the Hirogen occupation was tomorrow night. But he'd never considered the emotional implications. He knew the Doc was more than a mere hologram, but he'd never thought about how it must have been for him. Hell, he was too busy trying to remember what it had been like for himself. 

        "How many times was I 'killed'?" Tom asked. 

        Harry blinked at the change of subject. "Do you remember anything at all?" he asked cautiously. 

        "No," Tom admitted. "But the nightmares I've been having are a bitch." 

        "I know you were 'killed' at least twice," Harry said. "I was monitoring communications and heard the calls for medical assistance. Once during the Roman games, once during the Crusades. The Doctor would know more than me. I wasn't allowed in Sickbay." 

        Well, that was obvious, Tom thought sourly, remembering Harry's untreated injuries. 

        "So you didn't see me at all while the Hirogen were on board?" 

        "I would have visited you in Sickbay, but they wouldn't let me." Harry finished the last of his coffee. "So, are you assigned to work with me today?" 

        Tom noticed that Harry didn't answer the question. But he accepted the evasion. For now. "Yup. As usual." 

        "Three weeks, and B'Elanna doesn't even miss you?" Harry teased. 

        "My ignorance of things engineering tends to annoy her, so she sticks me with you." 

        Harry smiled. "Tom, you were hopeless at first, but you've become a pretty decent engineer." 

        "I'm a pilot and an astrophysicist, not an engineer." 

        "B'Elanna's proof that you don't need formal training to be a good engineer. You're good, and getting better all the time." 

        Tom thought about that. He'd never been all that interested in engineering...until he met Harry. He was so good at it, and loved it so much. Tom couldn't help but be interested, too. "Well, I owe it all to you, Har," he said. 

        "Me? Don't you mean B'Elanna?" 

        "B'Elanna, too, but...she's a little too impatient to be a good teacher." 

        Harry considered that. "The trouble with B'Elanna is that she's too smart. It's all so easy for her; she has no idea how to help someone learn. No empathy, because she never had to struggle to grasp it herself." 

        "Are you saying stupid people make better teachers?" 

        Harry laughed. "Something like that." 

        "Harry...what happened between us while the Hirogen were on board, that I don't remember?" 

        Harry was plainly unnerved by the sudden return to that topic. "Nothing, Tom," he said. "Well, we better get back to work, or B'Elanna will kill us both." He grabbed his toolkit and headed off. 

        Tom sighed, and followed as best he could. Harry must be part eel, judging from the way he slithered through the maze of Jeffries tubes. Tom, with his taller, stiffer frame, was much more awkward about it. But eventually he caught up with Harry in Tube 33R. 

        Harry already had two access panels removed, one in the wall, one in the floor. He handed Tom a tricorder. "Here, monitor the potential of EPS relay 23-epsilon-C4. Let me know if it drops out of nominal range." 

        Harry leaned down into the open hatch in the wall, crouching low to the floor. Tom edged closer to get better readings, moving some tools out of the way. He was close enough now to feel the heat coming off Harry's body. The position his friend was in pulled the uniform tight against his back and buttocks, revealing contours that were usually hidden. Watch the tricorder readings, Tom reminded himself. Geez, what was wrong with him? Yes, he'd long been aware that his best friend had more than his fair share of physical attractions, but usually he could work with him without undue ogling. 

        He should never have stolen that kiss last night. He'd crossed a line that shouldn't be crossed. And now it was far too easy to think about crossing it some more. Or maybe it was just that they'd all come so close to dying. That was probably it. Once everything was back to normal.... 

        Tom gasped, feeling a warm hand brushing along his thigh. Harry. Searching for one of the tools Tom had moved, he realized belatedly. 

        "Tom, hand me the laser probe," Harry's exasperated voice said. He turned his hand palm up, resting it against Tom's knee. His head and shoulders were still buried in the hatch. 

        "Sure," Tom managed. He found the right item, and put it in Harry's hand. 

        "Thanks." Harry fiddled for a moment, then muttered something under his breath. "What's the potential reading?" he asked. 

        Tom checked. Uh-oh. "Twenty-four kJs," he said sheepishly. 

        Harry emerged from the hatch, looking irritated. "Tom! You know nominal is 30. Why didn't you tell me?" 

        "Sorry. I...got distracted." Gods, but Harry was beautiful when he was annoyed. His eyes burned through the strands of hair falling into his face, like dark fire through grasses. And that mouth...so sulky it was just asking for a kiss. 

        "All right, Tom. What's wrong?" The irritation in Harry's expression faded, becoming edged with concern. 

        "Nothing!" 

        "Something's bothering you, Paris." 

        _Yeah, one ensign who's way too cute for his own good._ Like he could ever tell Harry that. "You never did answer my question," Tom said instead. "What happened between us while the Hirogen were on board?" The best defense was a good offense. 

        Harry's gaze dropped evasively. Tom had asked about it this time solely as a distraction, but now he was genuinely curious. 

        "Come on....how bad can it be? We're both alive and well." Tom suddenly had a bad thought. "I...I didn't kill anyone, did I, Harry?" 

        "No!" Harry said. But something in his face told Tom he was on the track. 

        "Whatever it is, I want to know." 

        Harry reluctantly raised his eyes to meet Tom's. "I can see we aren't going to get any real work done until I tell you," he said. 

        "Yup," Tom said. 

        Harry edged further back from the hatch, settling cross-legged on the floor. "I saw you in the corridor, after the fighting spilled out of the holodecks." 

        "And?" Tom asked, feeling suddenly cold. 

        "You didn't know me, of course. How could you? You didn't even know yourself. You thought you were a World War II soldier. And...that I was a Japanese spy." 

        Crap. "What did I do?" Tom asked. "Did I...torture you or something?" He wondered if he himself had inflicted some of the wounds he'd healed last night. Wouldn't that be funny. Yeah, he'd laugh hysterically - as soon as he finished throwing up. 

        "No, Tom, no," Harry said. "You didn't hurt me at all. I promise." 

        "What, then?" 

        "You saved my life." 

        "And?" 

        "Then you...um...almost killed me." 

        " _What_?" 

        "But even in your World War II persona, you weren't cruel," Harry said quickly, trying to be reassuring. "It would have been a clean shot at point-blank range. I wouldn't have suffered. But you would have. I could tell you hated to do it. That it would haunt you for the rest of your days." 

        That was supposed to make him feel better? "Point-blank range? Harry, tell me what happened." 

        Harry licked his lips nervously. "I was stupid and careless. I guess I was tired, and let my guard drop. Got caught by some Nazi soldiers. Just when I thought it was all over for me, you appeared. Shot them. I was so relieved, so happy to see you. I forgot you wouldn't know me, and called your name. But you didn't remember anything. You said you weren't Tom. And, well, I don't look very French. You assumed I was a spy." 

        "That's ridiculous!" Tom protested. "There were Asian-Americans assigned to the European theater during World War II. The 442nd Regimental Combat Team served in France. All Japanese-Americans, and the most decorated unit in American military history." 

        "I guess the holoprogrammer didn't see _Go For Broke!_ " Harry said dryly. 

        Tom realized he was being ludicrous, arguing the historical accuracy of a holoprogram. He'd almost killed Harry. What did it matter if it was historically accurate or not? 

        "So I tried to shoot you?" Tom asked. "What happened? Did I miss?" 

        "No, no. You gave me a chance to prove I was American. Asked me a question about Betty Grable." 

        "And you got it?" 

        "Yes." Harry hesitated, then admitted, "Barely. You were just about to pull the trigger when I remembered she was known for her legs." 

        "And that's it?" 

        Harry nodded. "You left." 

        "Oh, Harry, I'm so sorry." No wonder he'd been having nightmares. 

        "Hey," Harry said, his voice very gentle. He moved nearer, putting his hands on Tom's shoulders. "It wasn't your fault. Understand?" His dark eyes held Tom's, so grave and compassionate. 

        Abruptly, Tom hugged Harry to him, holding him tight. He needed to feel him, warm and safe and breathing, in his arms. Tom knew that he was in no way to blame for what had happened. He also knew that if he'd killed Harry, he wouldn't have been able to live with himself. 

        Harry hugged him back. "I didn't want you to know. I knew you'd only get upset over something you couldn't help." 

        "No," Tom said. He released his friend, held him out where he could look at him. "I'm glad you told me. I like to think we can always be honest with each other. Which includes not keeping things from each other." 

        "Okay," Harry said. He drew back. "Now can we get some work done?" 

        "I suppose," Tom said. "Hey, let's watch _Go For Broke!_ tonight. It's a great movie." 

        Harry rolled his eyes. "Tom, we're not wasting time and power on entertainment at a time like this." 

        "One movie is not going to take that much power," Tom argued. 

        "Forget it, Tom." 

# # # # # #

        Tom came over to Harry's quarters that evening, the movie disk in hand. 

        "Where's B'Elanna?" Harry asked. 

        "In Engineering, of course. Still working." 

        "We should be helping her." 

        "Don't even think about it, Harry. There's no way we ordinary humans can keep up with her Klingon stamina." 

        "Did I just find out more about your love life than I need to know?" 

        "Funny, Har. Just sit down and watch the movie. I've put you on medical restriction. No more than ten hours a day crawling through grimy Jeffries tubes. So you can just forget about letting B'Elanna put you back to work tonight." 

        "All right, all right." Harry touched some controls on his desk, and a panel slid back on the wall, revealing a viewscreen. He took the disk from Tom and slid it into the player. "But are you sure you want to watch a movie about World War II after all you've just been through?" 

        "Hey, it's not like I remember much of it." 

        "Tom." 

        "It's a 20th century movie, Harry. It's not realistic or anything." 

        "Okay. Replicate the popcorn. And don't put too much butter on it this time." 

        They settled on the couch, side by side, with the popcorn between them. Tom had always found movies from this era comforting, with their solid certainties. Black and white, in more ways than one. 

        Near the end of the movie there was a scene where soldiers who didn't have the most current password were in danger of being shot by their compatriots. Damn, he'd forgotten about this part. 

        "Harry, you okay?" he asked softly. 

        "Sure, Tom." He hesitated, then added, "You were right. I shouldn't have tried to keep it from you. We're too close not to be honest with each other." 

        "You bet." Tom turned back to the movie, studiously ignoring the voice in his head that was saying, _Paris, you are such a fucking hypocrite_.


End file.
